I'VE CHANGED (life update)
May 12, 2017
There are
many reasons why I haven’t been posting as often as usual (my sincere
apologies), but I really don’t care to explain them all so I’m just going to go
through a few of the main ones.
1. School-
As you may know, I am still a student and getting to the end of the school year
was a little rough (I was practically crawling to the end) and I just really
wanted to focus on that because education is VERY important. But since summer is approaching (yay!), I
should have plenty of time to make great content for you.
2. Work-
I can’t really say much about my job here due to privacy of myself and the
company, but I’ve been having a lot of struggles with that as well which lead
to stress and low self-esteem.
3. Lack
of motivation- I really need to get better about motivating myself. It is one of my biggest weaknesses, and it’s
so easy to say “I’ll do this later” or “I’ll write a blog post tomorrow” and
then when that time rolls around, I push it back again. So I will definitely be trying to be more
productive.
4. Criticism-
I hardly ever get negative feedback. I
have the most wonderful people who will always say positive things and
encourage me, but due to a mistake that was partially my fault, I did get some
very harsh criticism a few months ago and after that it became very difficult
to write at all. I actually just read my
first piece that I’ve written since then last week and I’m so happy to WANT to
write again because writing has always been a passion of mine (I’m inserting
the poem down below in case you want to read it).
Door
By
Megan Dennis
You
can only do two things
Open
and close
That
is your job for eternity
Letting
things in and then shutting them out
It’s
kind of like the way humans work
We
open our doors to let in visitors
And
shut them out when we realize they were just unwanted guests
They
brought cookies to share
While
you sat and talked by the fireplace
Making
small talk about the weather and things with no significance
Maybe
they looked into your soul farther than you wanted them to
They
panicked and ran away once they saw what was past the skin
You
called after them, screaming their name until your mouth was dry
But
by then they were already far out the door
That
stupid door
The
way you use a door symbolizes your emotions
Whether
you walk quickly and slam it, making the pictures on the wall shift
Or
if you walk slowly and linger for a moment in the doorway
You
might look over your shoulder to have one last glance at what you’re leaving
behind
It’s
unfortunate that very few of those people will walk back through the door
But
the few that do will lock it behind them
Anyway, so yes, that was my first finished piece
since the end of March I believe. I’m
very proud of it considering I know very little about poetry and haven’t written
very many poems but I’m actually starting to like it so maybe there will be
more poetry on this blog in the future.
This
second part of the post is something I’m SO excited to tell you about. I’ve been thinking about this post for days
and I can’t wait to share this with you.
I’ve had a lot going on these past few months, some of which I explained
at the beginning of this post, but also some personal things which I will not
name specifically. Most of them have to
do with my ongoing battle of trying to get along with people (haha). But all laughter aside, I have been facing
issues such as the feelings of rejection, depression, and being taken advantage
of. I’ve always tried to be nice and
friendly. You know, the kind of person
people like? The problem was that I
think there IS such a thing as being too nice.
Everyone
likes nice people. It’s a natural human
characteristic to be drawn to nice people.
Maybe that’s why I spent all those nights tossing and turning because I
couldn’t escape this feeling that for some reason I was supposed to
apologize. And if you know me at all,
you know that I also value my dignity.
Probably even more than I value my ability to be nice. So anyway, I couldn’t shake this feeling that
I was MEANT to apologize for something that I probably didn’t have to apologize
for. It’s difficult to explain. But I kind of felt like it was one of those God
things where he was sending me a message to tell me to apologize to this person
who probably didn’t even want to see my name pop up on their screen like they
did when I sent that message that I instantly regretted. And once they responded, I regretted it even
more.
A
long, personal story aside as to what happened after that, I felt even worse
than I did when I apologized. I mean,
how could something that I felt was so right to do, feel so wrong now? It was really messed up, let me tell
you. But yet again, I found myself being
the nice one, and before I knew it, they used that to their biggest
advantage. And then one day they never
replied to me again. Deep down, I’m glad
it’s over because it shattered all of the confidence I had in myself, and I
found myself in a deep pain I had never experienced before.
This
pain was different, because instead of what I would normally feel after an
incident like that, I felt this need for something. I knew that it couldn’t stay the same. Something needed to change. Actually, everything needed to change. I don’t know why exactly, but all I know is
that it needed to change. And I started
with my hair.
 |
| Before |
 |
| And after |
I never knew a haircut could change not just
your appearance, but your entire outlook on things. I felt like a completely different person
after that. Like a load had been lifted
off my shoulders. But still, that
haircut wasn’t enough. I needed more
change. The changes I went through
emotionally are hard to put into words and I’m sitting here now trying to find
a way to explain it to you. Change has
always been so hard for me, but this time it was easy because I wanted it so
badly. I knew things could not stay the
way they were and I couldn’t allow myself to stay how I was. I’ll probably still allow people to waltz in
and out, but maybe I’ll recognize it sooner rather than later and save myself
from being somewhere I don’t want to be.
Here’s
the thing. If you’re under the impression
that people dictate your feelings and emotions- you’re wrong. They can if you let them, but not letting
them control you will give you the upper hand and they won’t win the
battle. They want you to give in, they want
you to feel the way THEY want you to feel.
Don’t let them grab you. Don’t
let them control you. That’s the key to
it, and it took me all these years to figure it out. I still don’t have it all the way figured
out, and I will never understand why human beings are so cruel, but we can
change ourselves for US and not for other people.
Thank you for being patient with me during my
absence, and I hope to get on a regular schedule again soon. I’m hoping I can create way better content
for you now that I’ve finally become the person I’ve always wanted to be. And you can too if you stay strong and stay
positive. I love you!!
XOXO
-Megan
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