ONE YEAR OF BLOGGING

Today is a very exciting day.  Why is it a very exciting day?  Well because today marks exactly one year since I published my first post on my blog! I’ve come a long way in just a year, and I’m honestly so proud of myself for accomplishing so much in just 365 days.

Background:

You might not know this, but before my blog, I used this website for the music I used to write and record.  Looking back now it was honestly pretty embarrassing, but it’s what got me started.  After not recording any more music or posting on my website, I started tossing around the idea of turning it into a blog.  I already knew I loved to write, and people liked what I wrote so I thought what if I had a place to share it with everyone?  I wanted to reach people beyond just my family and friends, people who may be going through things and needed someone to relate to.  That’s what I wanted to do with my blog.

How the blog got its name:

Next you might be wondering how I came up with the name “Beauty in This Brokenness”.  This was a concept I had been thinking about for a long time before I even thought about starting a blog.  The idea I had was originally for an album I started to write a long time ago (which obviously never came to be), and it was about seeing light in times of darkness.  That was what I wanted my blog to be based on.  To share my stories and maybe inspire some people along the way.

What is this blog about?:

I don’t classify my blog under any certain “niche” (as people in the blogging groups on Facebook say).  What I mean by that is some people write blogs about lifestyle, some are about travel, some are about addiction recovery.  There are endless possibilities of what a blog can be about.  Usually when you go to a blog, you can find out what a blog is about by looking at either the title or the tagline.  But for me, I didn’t want to limit myself to one topic.  I didn’t want to feel like I couldn’t write about food because my blog was about photography.  That’s why my tagline is “just me talking about……well basically everything”.  If you do come here looking for something specific, that’s why I created the “tags” section on the bottom right hand side of the screen.  If you click on one of the words, it will show you all the posts related to that topic.

Challenges:

There are plenty of challenges that come with blogging.  Just like with anything you do in life, people are going to criticize you.  One of the best things about my first year of blogging is that I haven’t received a lot of negative criticism.  Most people are very supportive and I’ve gotten good feedback from other bloggers as well.  There have been times when others don’t always agree with what I have to say (I mean, the only reason why my abortion post is one of the most popular posts is because I used it in a debate on Facebook), but these days you can’t say anything without making someone angry.  That’s why I’ve learned not to take the negative responses I get too seriously because there is always going to be someone that doesn’t like you or doesn’t agree with you and I’m perfectly okay with that.  But I’m not going to change myself to please others.

Being your own boss is hard.  There’s no one to tell you what to do or when to post, so it can be easy to slack off.  That’s probably been the biggest challenge I've faced over the past year.  I tend to lack skills in the motivation department because I get distracted or lazy too easily.  When I first started my blog, my “schedule” was to post something on my blog twice a week.  For someone that still has school and other tasks, it proved to be very difficult to keep up with.  After I struggled with posting for a few months, I decided I don’t need a schedule.  When I feel inspired to write and post something, I do it; whenever that may be.  I’ve learned that it motivates me so much more than trying to stick to a schedule.  Lately I’ve been trying to post twice a month, but sometimes it doesn’t always work out.   If you follow me on social media (@beautyinthisbrokenness), I always let you know when I posted something new.  Or you can sign up for email updates on the right hand side of the screen.

What’s to come:

I have so many things I want to do with my blog.  I’m always trying to create good content and reach more and more people.  I now have over 100 views on two of my posts and over 2,600 views over the whole year.  That’s crazy to me.  When I started out, there were only about 15-20 people reading my posts and now there’s anywhere from 60-100.  Those are big numbers to me.  I remember when I got excited because 12 people listened to my song on Soundcloud three years ago.  My goal is to get those numbers even higher for next year.  But of course numbers mean little to me because the only reason it’s possible to reach those numbers is because of you.  I wouldn’t even be sitting here writing this if it weren’t for you.

Another goal I have is to self-host my own website.  For all of you that aren’t geeks like I am, what I mean is that I want the url to say “beautyinthisbrokenness.com”, instead of “blogspot.com” at the end.  Blogger has been so awesome because it’s free and simple to use.  Being a student with little funds, it will definitely be awhile, but one day I hope to create my own site.  I also want to collaborate with other bloggers and have guest posts.  I think it would be a lot of fun, but I still need to work my way up a little more before I can do that.  Those are just a few of the things I would love to see happen in the future (hopefully not that far off).

Lastly, I just want to take a minute to thank each and every person who has even clicked on the link to my blog.  I am so thankful for all the support I have received, and like I said before none of this would even be possible without you.  Thank you for an amazing first year of blogging and I can’t wait to see what this new year brings.

There are many reasons why I haven’t been posting as often as usual (my sincere apologies), but I really don’t care to explain them all so I’m just going to go through a few of the main ones. 

Door

By Megan Dennis

You can only do two things

Open and close

That is your job for eternity

Letting things in and then shutting them out

It’s kind of like the way humans work

We open our doors to let in visitors

And shut them out when we realize they were just unwanted guests

They brought cookies to share

While you sat and talked by the fireplace

Making small talk about the weather and things with no significance

Maybe they looked into your soul farther than you wanted them to

They panicked and ran away once they saw what was past the skin

You called after them, screaming their name until your mouth was dry

But by then they were already far out the door

That stupid door

The way you use a door symbolizes your emotions

Whether you walk quickly and slam it, making the pictures on the wall shift

Or if you walk slowly and linger for a moment in the doorway

You might look over your shoulder to have one last glance at what you’re leaving behind

It’s unfortunate that very few of those people will walk back through the door

But the few that do will lock it behind them

Anyway, so yes, that was my first finished piece since the end of March I believe.  I’m very proud of it considering I know very little about poetry and haven’t written very many poems but I’m actually starting to like it so maybe there will be more poetry on this blog in the future.

            This second part of the post is something I’m SO excited to tell you about.  I’ve been thinking about this post for days and I can’t wait to share this with you.  I’ve had a lot going on these past few months, some of which I explained at the beginning of this post, but also some personal things which I will not name specifically.  Most of them have to do with my ongoing battle of trying to get along with people (haha).  But all laughter aside, I have been facing issues such as the feelings of rejection, depression, and being taken advantage of.  I’ve always tried to be nice and friendly.  You know, the kind of person people like?  The problem was that I think there IS such a thing as being too nice.

            Everyone likes nice people.  It’s a natural human characteristic to be drawn to nice people.  Maybe that’s why I spent all those nights tossing and turning because I couldn’t escape this feeling that for some reason I was supposed to apologize.  And if you know me at all, you know that I also value my dignity.  Probably even more than I value my ability to be nice.  So anyway, I couldn’t shake this feeling that I was MEANT to apologize for something that I probably didn’t have to apologize for.  It’s difficult to explain.  But I kind of felt like it was one of those God things where he was sending me a message to tell me to apologize to this person who probably didn’t even want to see my name pop up on their screen like they did when I sent that message that I instantly regretted.  And once they responded, I regretted it even more.

            A long, personal story aside as to what happened after that, I felt even worse than I did when I apologized.  I mean, how could something that I felt was so right to do, feel so wrong now?  It was really messed up, let me tell you.  But yet again, I found myself being the nice one, and before I knew it, they used that to their biggest advantage.  And then one day they never replied to me again.  Deep down, I’m glad it’s over because it shattered all of the confidence I had in myself, and I found myself in a deep pain I had never experienced before.

            This pain was different, because instead of what I would normally feel after an incident like that, I felt this need for something.  I knew that it couldn’t stay the same.  Something needed to change.  Actually, everything needed to change.  I don’t know why exactly, but all I know is that it needed to change.  And I started with my hair.

I never knew a haircut could change not just your appearance, but your entire outlook on things.  I felt like a completely different person after that.  Like a load had been lifted off my shoulders.  But still, that haircut wasn’t enough.  I needed more change.  The changes I went through emotionally are hard to put into words and I’m sitting here now trying to find a way to explain it to you.  Change has always been so hard for me, but this time it was easy because I wanted it so badly.  I knew things could not stay the way they were and I couldn’t allow myself to stay how I was.  I’ll probably still allow people to waltz in and out, but maybe I’ll recognize it sooner rather than later and save myself from being somewhere I don’t want to be. 

            Here’s the thing.  If you’re under the impression that people dictate your feelings and emotions- you’re wrong.  They can if you let them, but not letting them control you will give you the upper hand and they won’t win the battle.  They want you to give in, they want you to feel the way THEY want you to feel.  Don’t let them grab you.  Don’t let them control you.  That’s the key to it, and it took me all these years to figure it out.  I still don’t have it all the way figured out, and I will never understand why human beings are so cruel, but we can change ourselves for US and not for other people.

Thank you for being patient with me during my absence, and I hope to get on a regular schedule again soon.  I’m hoping I can create way better content for you now that I’ve finally become the person I’ve always wanted to be.  And you can too if you stay strong and stay positive.  I love you!!

XOXO

-Megan