Welcome
back to the blog,
I don’t think I’ve ever been this
nervous for a blog post. Part of my
personality is to naturally be outspoken about topics that tend to offend a lot
of people and this is probably one of those topics. Okay so I should probably start from the
beginning and say that I first debated and wrestled with my brain about whether
or not I should post this. This post
has been on my list of topics I wanted to write about for longer than I can
tell you. I’ve just always pushed it to
the bottom because frankly I’m scared of the feedback I’m going to get after
this. However, when I was planning this
series, it just seemed to fit right in with the theme of high school. So today, folks, we’re going to talk about
sex.
Since this a touchy and sensitive
topic for some people, I’m going to remind you once again of my “rules” and
that this will be a PG-13 rated post so please please please click out now if
you feel like you can’t handle the intensity and sensitivity of this topic. I really would not like to receive phone
calls from angry parents. Been there,
done that. You might be asking, “What
makes you feel so entitled to speak on this topic?” Bad experiences, mistakes, and other things I
will get into later is the answer to that question. I’m 18 years old and this was a huge part of
my high school experience so I believe I should be able to talk about it. As weird and awkward as this is for me, some
15 year old girl (or boy) out there needs to hear this message so I’m going to
suck up the nerves and do this for them.
1. This is a 6 week series and a new part will be posted each Wednesday (so mark your calendars.)
2. I am NOT here to call anyone out or speak poorly of anyone I’ve encountered throughout my High School career. That’s not my vibe and my intentions of writing these posts are to encourage; not to bring anyone down.
3. I will be talking about certain people I’ve encountered and things I’ve experienced, but please know that NO NAMES will be mentioned; if a name has to be used it will be changed.
4. All the things I am going to tell you are true and are my stories that I have a right to tell.
5. Please read/listen with open ears and hearts.
6. Some of the topics I will be discussing are mature and very series at times so if you can’t handle the intensity, please feel free to click out at any time.
So, where do I begin? I should probably start when I first hit
puberty. I was 12, I believe, at the
time when I first began puberty and around that time is when I got “the talk.” I’m not here to explain the situation with
the birds and the bees; so if you have no clue what I’m talking about then you
should probably leave now. Anyways,
after that conversation all I can remember is wanting to throw up and wanting
nothing to do with sex for the rest of my life.
However, your hormones change quite a bit during puberty so obviously my
opinion about sex itself did change as I got older.
I was brought up in a very
conservative household. I was baptized
when I was 8 years old and have been a firm believer ever since. I was basically raised on the rule of
abstinence until marriage. And that was
always my plan until about 2 years ago, my stance wavered drastically. At that point I had never (and still have
never) done anything physical with a guy more than kissing and holding
hands. The thought of anything further
actually made me uncomfortable. So I
started talking to this guy, and you know how you can usually spot red flags
pretty easily in the beginning? Well in
this case there was a whole FIELD of red flags and my blind self still walked
right past them. I shouldn’t say blind,
though, because I could see them I was just very good at ignoring them.
So I ignored the signs, the red
flags, even the voices of people telling me to get out as fast of possible. The thing about me is I like to see the best
in people. I want to believe that
despite what other people may say, everyone deserves a chance to prove the
rumors wrong. Unfortunately I gave too
many chances this time and he failed every single one of them. I wanted to believe everyone else was wrong
and that they were just saying things to scare me. But I just ignored it and continued talking
to this guy. I’m so naive sometimes that
I actually scare myself.
About a month passes. Things are still going great and I remember
at the beginning there were a few good moments when things actually seemed
somewhat normal- except they weren’t. I
remember one day we were talking (all this is taking place through text by the
way, remember the conservative place I came from) and things started to
progress very very quickly and one thing led to the next and that’s when it
went downhill. Whenever I replay all
this in my head, I evaluate each step carefully to see where I could have not
made the mistakes I did. Every time it
still ends the same way it did in real life.
So you might be wondering where and
how things ended. Even though it was the
worst experience I’ve ever been through to date, I can only thank God for
saving me and taking me out of it when He did.
I can’t even imagine how bad things would have gotten if I hadn’t gotten
out of it when I did. You might be
thinking this is the end of the story.
If you did, you thought wrong.
Six months went by. I was finally
starting to recover and I had good friends surrounding me that summer so I kept
busy. At the beginning of October, I got
a message from this guy again. It was an
apology. He apologized for everything
that had happened and said he had gotten better. Looking back now it wasn’t enough of an
apology for everything he had done to shatter every piece of dignity and
confidence.
So once again, being the naive person I am, I ignored the signs and red flags.
Just like the last time, things were good at first, although it was very
difficult to be “just friends” with someone you shared such an intimate
connection with. It didn’t last
long. We fell into the same patterns and
routines as last time, telling ourselves and each other the whole time that we
were “just friends.” Just friends with
benefits. A lot of benefits. As open as I may seem, there were things
going on then and things that we did that were so wrong that to this day I’m
too ashamed to share with anyone. That
says a lot because I don’t keep a lot of secrets.
It was me who finally ended it once
and hopefully forever. I was fed up with
feeling guilty every day for what we were doing, mad at him for making ME feel
guilty for saying no to him, not to mention he was starting to develop a
drinking problem. It’s been about 3
months now and I finally feel like I’ve let go for good. I still wrestle with the weight of my sin
every single day of my life and there’s rarely a day or night that goes by
where I don’t think about it. And I know
I’ll have to deal with the consequences one day when I have to explain things
to my future husband. I may have not
given everything away but I feel like a part of me has already been taken away
from what I could’ve enjoyed in the future.
But there’s nothing I can do about that now. All I can do is move forward and try to work
on myself.
This story was very difficult to
tell. But my hope is that some young
girl can learn from this and not make the same mistakes as me. We live in a sexual world. And I feel like there is so much pressure on
girls (and maybe guys too) to look a certain way and do certain things to be
accepted by society and men specifically.
Every time I open Instagram and see some model posing half-naked on my
feed I just shake my head because there’s a 12 year old looking up to her and
when she sees that she’s going to think she has to look like that or take
pictures like that to have friends, followers, etc.
It’s hard not to fall into the
trap. Especially as Christian women, we
have to be on our guard and stand firm in our beliefs. I almost made an exception to my rule of
staying pure until marriage. Without the
wise counsel of some close mentors and friends, this post would probably have a
completely different title. Just as I said
a few posts back, surround yourself with people who will hold you accountable
for your actions and keep you from going too far. I danced on that line but I never crossed it
because the people that care about me held me back. And deep down, I knew myself and I knew I
didn’t want to do it but sometimes that isn’t enough.
So girls, listen closely. This is some serious girl talk right
here. Never, and I repeat NEVER, give in
to something you don’t want to do just because a guy is guilt tripping
you. Don’t fall into that trap. Furthermore, something to note about men in
general: they are never satisfied. So if
you think, I’ll just do this once and maybe they won’t ask again, you’re
completely mistaken. Because they won’t
stop asking and before you know it you’ve dug yourself into a hole that’s VERY
hard to climb out of. You won’t have to
worry about any of this though when you find the right person. Real men don’t guilt trip you or play with
your emotions. Real men respect and
won’t push you past the limits you’ve set.
Know your worth and know that you’re worth a million bucks which I can
pretty much guarantee no sixteen year old boy has in their bank account.
And guys. Read the paragraph above and flip it
around. But I know some of ya’ll aren’t
even smart enough to do that so I’ll spell it out for you. It’s really simple, girls like
attention. At least most of us do
anyway. But it’s not the kind of
attention you like to give us. Actions
mean more than words. If you say it,
prove it. And appreciate who your
partner is and what they do for you instead of always wishing for more. Because one day, if you don’t appreciate your
girl, she’s going to leave you for someone who will. You do the math. So it’s really not so much about the big
things but the little things that will make your relationship a success like
compliments, flowers, and food (the way to win my heart just in case you were
wondering.) You’re welcome- that was
totally free dating advice.
I just finished watching a sermon
before I wrote this about sex, and according to resources, married couples who
attend church regularly have the best sex.
And you wonder why I go to church every Sunday. I’m kidding, but for real though, putting
your relationship with God FIRST will help you in your relationships with other
people. This is why it’s so important to
be with someone who also has a relationship with God because growing in your
relationship with Christ will make you grow in your relationship with each
other. Being on the same page when it
comes to your beliefs will save you a lot of conflict in the future.
The worst part is the waiting. I’m a daydreamer so I enjoy thinking about
the future and what I want my dream life to look like. Sometimes it helps to remind myself that good
things come to those who wait. Each time
another relationship fails, it’s just a sign that God has someone better out
there for you. I know it’s difficult to
believe, but don’t let go of that hope.
After everything I’ve been through I haven’t because I’m holding on to
believe that God has a better future for me.
I’ve come to realize that despite the fact that your past cannot be
changed, your future still can.
Lastly, if you’re a girl and you’re
currently facing a situation similar to mine, please feel free to reach out to
me. Don’t go through it alone. My socials will all be linked below and I’d
be more than happy to talk with you about anything I mentioned in this post.
Email: beautyinthisbrokenness@gmail.con
Instagram: @beautyinthisbrokenness
Twitter: megan_dennis_
